Entertainment

ELS Express by Shrieky Saturday

By Jhanvi Motla and Rishabh Poddar

Some Stupid Questions That People Ask

1 At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3 At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-
Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after[my fav :)]
years...

Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...[my fav]

Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping...[lols]

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding.....

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in
flames!!!

N-joy!

Created by Rishabh Poddar

Fill in this 3 x 3 grid with numbers from 1 to 9 so that when they are added, they add up to the same total in all directions

Fill in the boxes with the given numbers to complete the sequence

4. All deserts are found along the coast of a continent. This is because a desert is formed when a cool current first absorbs the moisture from that area and then condenses it, forming fog. This is how deserts are formed and there is mist along the coast.

Q: The chief crop of the Americans?

Q: A fruit used as a vegetable?

Q: The person who invented French Fries?

LAWYER: Sir, would you punish somebody for something he did not do?

LAWYER: Good. This man did not tell the truth.

JUDGE: How did all the thieves escape? I told you to shut all the exits.

LAWYER: They must have got out through the entrances.

MISS MADHULIKA: Why do we need courts and lawyers and judges?

RISHABH: To take REVENGE!

Solutions to Quick Puzzles:

The total is 15

                                                LAUGH TIME AGAIN !

                                           By Jhanvi Motla

January to December, Sunday to Saturday, AM to PM, my feelings for you have never changed....... You … are … always.... a HEADACHE to me !!!!

When you feel lonely and alone and cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along with me. I’ll take you to an eye specialist !!

Q: If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?

Ans : The days after marriage.

Q: During the marriage ceremony why are you made to sit on a horse ?

Ans: You are given your last chance to run away.

Just close your eyes and think of yourself for 10 seconds...... Open your eyes !

Now you will realize that you have wasted 10 seconds in thinking of a fool............

I wrote your name on the sands............. it got washed away.

I wrote your name in the air.................. it got blown away.

So I wrote your name in my heart...........I got a HEART ATTACK

LOVE is like a CIGAR It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...

But don’t worry - we are chain smokers!

Your smile can be compared to a flower, your voice can be compared to a cuckoo, your innocence to a child - but in stupidity you have no comparison – you are the best.

True love is like a pillow – you can hug it when you are in trouble, you can cry on it when you are in pain, and you can embrace it when you are happy. So, when you need true love – spend Rs 50/-. Buy a pillow.

Dear Friend, when I ask you for a flower, you give me a bouquet.

When I ask you for a stone, you give me a statue.

When I ask you for a feather, you give me a peacock.

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

I had VODKA with WATER - I felt DRUNK

I had WHISKY with WATER - I felt DRUNK

I had RUM with WATER - I felt DRUNK

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

When I call you:

1 ring means I’m thinking of you

2 rings means I like you

3 rings means I miss you

4 rings means … pick up the phone, idiot !

Teacher : Four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. Change it to an exclamatory sentence ...

Student : WOW !

The human brain is a most outstanding thing....... it functions 24hrs, 365 days..... it functions right from the time you are born ….....until you fall in love

SMILE - is a language of love

SMILE - is a way of winning hearts

SMILE - creates greatness in your personality

SO.... Brush your teeth at least from today onwards

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 minutes. A beer shortens your life by 4 minutes. A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

History Teacher : From where to where did the Mughals rule ?

Student : Sir, I am not sure but I think from page 15 to 26 sir....

The best way to shorten a line is to draw a bigger one near it !

*               *                  *             *             *                            *

SARDARJI BANEGA CROREPATI???

Submitted by Jhanvi Motla

A Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest, trying to win the prize
money of Rs.1 crore....kaun banega crorepati...

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

The Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) EQUADOR

The Sardar asks for help from the University
students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

The Sardar asks for help from the general public

4) Which of these was King George VI’s first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

The Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

The Sardar gives up.

If you think you are very clever and laughed at our Sardar's replies,

Then please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. He changed his name in 1936.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever
laugh at a Sardar again

Don't forget that the Prime Minister of our country is a sardar..

SOME COOL DEFINITIONS AND MEANINGS

By Jhanvi Motla

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Have fun ! By Jhanvi Motla

Jokes:

A traffic policeman signaled a speeding car to stop. He said, “Why are you
riving so fast? You’re crossing the speed limit. The man replied, “The brakes of
my car have failed and I have to get home as fast as I can before I have an
accident.”

* * * * * * *

A man goes to a doctor complaining of hearing loss. The doctor examines him and says he’ll give him a new hearing aid. “This is the finest hearing aid, I
wear one of them too,” he said.

“What kind is it?” the man asked.

“About half past four,” the doctor replied.

Riddles:

1.The more you take the more you leave behind .What are they?

Ans: footsteps

2.What bone has sense of humour?

Ans: humourous

3.What is it that you will break every time you speak?

Ans: silence

4.What flies without wings?

Ans: time

5.Name three keys that unlock no doors.

Ans: Monkey, Donkey, Turkey

6.What are two things you can’t eat for supper?

Ans: breakfast and lunch

7.What runs around the house but does not move?

Ans: a fence

8.What is a cat on ice?

Ans: A cool cat!

9.Who can shave 5 times a day and still have a beard?

Ans: a barber

10.What has no beginning, middle or end?

Ans: a doughnut

Mind Bender:

Use 4's, 4's, and only 4's along with any mathematical operators to make a
total of 7.

Ans:44/4-4=7

Enter supporting cont

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